Today I’m at a better stage in life, after I realize how my mindset and situations were like since I hit that awkward stage of 15…

At 15, I was the shy, quiet, reserved kid. I didn’t have any issues with high school or friends - it was all perfectly fine. I did have issues with myself however and a lot of resentment towards my family. At 15, I didn’t know what was going on with my family, or the fact that it was breaking apart and it seemed like the norm since it’s always been such a strange dynamic for so many years. I think I was trying to make a change, since I was controlled by my parents in many ways, I wanted to break out of it. I searched for control in the not-so-greatest ways - through food. I don’t remember exactly how it all started, but I do remember slowly decreasing the amount of food that was being eaten daily. First, skip breakfast. Next, skip lunch. Next, partially finish dinners. The main sense of control I felt was my weight. Losing weight was never driven by wanting to look skinny because I was already thin to begin with, so it never became a motivator. As less food came into my body, my weight kept dropping til the lowest point, which was around 94.

I think I kind of gave a hint to my family that I was having food issues, maybe subconsciously trying to cry out for the sense of caring, nurturing I never really had while growing up - of course that never happened.

One day, out of the blue. I came to my senses, I realized that what I was doing was very unhealthy and the damage was already showing with my thinning hair. So, I stopped. Simple as that? But the problem didn’t really go away…

Age 16 came. Grade 12, loved it. Socially fulfilling, growing up, a sense of direction in life, a small connection with my family growing, a high of my life I’ve never had… Turned 17, a new stage of life begins…

First year university, a fresh new beginning, not being tied down by my usual expectations as the shy, quiet, kid. Came out of the box as a new more outgoing confident person… I think. Little did I know this year would lead to a bulk of confusion, depression and another new beginning.

Being able to get into the University of Toronto was already an accomplishment, I felt excited, nerdy and ambitious. 2 months after, I hated school, I lost a direction as to where I was going, I didn’t know what would make me happy in life… sciences wasn’t my passion… Winter comes. Questions of my sexuality arose, which didn’t help either. I struggled between trying to gear my life towards a relationship with a guy that I thought I fell in love with. It wasn’t any ordinary guy. In fact, I’ve known him for over 10 years. We started getting closer, but then I had to move to University. I kept in contact with him still, we talked… a lot… almost daily. He would actually be the first person to understand me and relate to my feelings. An emotional connection formed, I thought I fell in love with him, he made me smile with his random textes, he allowed me to think outside of my horribly negative mindset and twisted it into something positive. So I realized he filled a part of my void. I thought to myself - is he the one? But wait, I’m not attracted to guys, there was no physical attraction and I think everything was purely based on that special emotional connection I’ve never had with anyone in my life, even to this day.

Having that potential sense of love did not solve my problems. I spiraled downwards as I start deeply contemplating about what happened to me throughout my childhood, how unfair and abnormal it was and why I deserved it. I was told that I never grieved as a child and have been bottling everything up til this point, that’s why there was such a greater impact now.

I was not logical, I can’t even make sense of it now, but I did have the urge to end my life. There were painkillers on the kitchen table, I had the cold, lightly took 6 hoping something would happen but no, it didn’t.

I became more and more careless, a direct way of showing that I wanted to die. I would walk home in the dark at night, ipod on, paying no attention at all for my safety. One day, it did the trick. I got hit by a car, head on while walking past an intersection. My body slowly flew towards the hood of the car, then bounced to the ground, arms first. The car was still moving and I remembered having a feel of wishing it to drive all the way through… but the impact was not that bad since it literally stopped an inch away from my body, and the driver did slow down. From my fall, all I had was a pretty bruised up leg that hurt to walk on. Nothing was broken.

Drowning myself in more deep contemplation did not help. I reached the point where my hubby could not help me anymore with his talks. I had an argument with my father, which lead to my childhood and how it fucked me up. So I had a trigger of all the memories that did occur, my heart started racing, I could feel a blood rush and I was yelling endlessly at father til the point I lost my breath. I’ve never had such a high and rush in my life. I had the strongest urge to just kill myself. I kept screaming at my father, “I am going to kill myself” over and over and over. Father called cops, cops came… I decided to move out.

So a year moved out. The summer, a more positive light came, space from my parents allowed me to think things through logically. I understood everything and closed the past.

A year moved out… I gained a definite direction in life, found out what my passions are, a positive mindset and most importantly, found the love of my life - poopy

It was unexpected, to felt a complete 360 degree change this year. Unexpected for my life to change once I fell in love with my girlfriend, it was very rocky and slow. I can’t emphasize on how rocky it was. I honestly don’t know why I’m in love with her, it doesn’t make sense but she makes me smile and feel warm inside She is one of the best things that has happened to me in my life <3

With the realization of my past and misinterpretations from my parent’s actions along with the sense of love and affection from my girlfriend… I would say, the issue was solved. And looking back at the past few years, I’m not seeking happiness because it’s already here more than what I expected, and definitely more to come once I start a new beginning at OCAD.

This is an odd coincidence: my fortune cookie from weeks ago said: “Be careful what you wish for because it might come true.” So I thought to myself, pshhhhh lies.

Now, little did I know that I “wished” for, or rather: really wanted was my business to flourish more than it already had (greed). SO IT DID, this week, overwhelmingly, more than I could ever imagine, more than I could ever thought it could reach: it did. The worst part is that I’m not really content about it, my mind cannot stop thinking about it - generally, dead, robotic and unhappy. My relationships: feeling nonexistent because I am not thinking about them. I was content/happy about life before…

I’m falling into the short story about the Monkey Traps. A short summary: Money traps are made with an empty coconut shell. Hunters cut a hole large enough for the monkey’s hand to fit in. They fill the coconut shell with rice (food) so that when the monkey will see it and place it’s hands in the coconut shell, grab the rice and get stuck. The monkey’s hands gets stuck because it is in a fist, which is too big to get out of the hole. The monkey eventually dies.

THE MORAL: The monkey dies from greed, it has the choice to get out of the trap if he just lets go of the rice. However, the monkey does not do that because he’s so blinded by greed and does not realize that it he already happy (and has enough food) around him, and just wants more.

BLAH!

My girlfriend made me this super cute polaroid case for the camera that she got me

( I love the moustache)

Flight to Winnipeg: Tomorrow evening.

Meeting up, hanging out & settling down, this week.

Starting the polaroid project (finally!), next week.

Can’t wait

Am I living my dream jobs? One of them, but only after realizing that my ideals for my dream jobs were obtained:

- Working at my own pace & hours
- A very decent income
- Few hours of work
- Not working for a client’s specifications: creative freedom

What is it? Being a blog theme designer! It’s new and pretty cool (I won’t spill my methods or “secrets”) but essentially as a blog theme designer it takes 30 min - 1 hr to produce a blog theme. The themes are released for people to use for free, which is really rewarding when I see people using my designs on their blogs or sending me emails regarding the themes they’ve used. “Magic happens” (which I won’t say how :p ). But this gig allows me to produce 10 blogs in a day (within 10 hours) when I do decide to work, this then produces $1k in income! Of course clients cannot afford to purchase so many of them but an average of 3 - 4k a month from just blog designing part-time is indeed decent, fun and rewarding.

ONE CON: This market could fall one day (I would guess in a year or less) so there is really no stability

I have to say that ever since I started designing at 15, I felt the crap from the design industry say… a year after freelancing. At first, I enjoyed designing my own stuff but when it came to projects for clients, it completely made me strongly hate designing for a good 3 - 4 years since I first started. That’s when I said I’d shoot myself if I ever got into Graphics Design as a career for life, I still feel that way.

There are so many things about designing that makes me hate it, yet I do still love some parts of it..

Dislikes:

1) Lack of creative freedom: There is a huge lack of creative freedom (in general) when dealing with clients. When I’m dealing with clients there are the good ones who give me full creative freedom but there are those who do not. I don’t mind suggestions about a design but if I’m placed in a box and limited by many specifications of theirs, I don’t feel like the work is mine at all. The worst type of clients that I had are the ones who “think” they’re designers by making me add changes to the design that makes my initial design a complete disaster.

2) Lack of respect: There’s a huge lack of respect most of the time among designers. I’ve gone through the “if you design my website for free, I will give you free exposure”, “can you design a free logo for me?” and so much more. The worst I must say was a client that said I charged too much, and when it was time to pay the invoice, he told me to take my pennies, 1 word: hypocrite.

3) SELL OUT DESIGNERS: Yes, I’m a bit ashamed to be called a designer because there are soooo many designers who are sell outs. They’re truly the ones who give designers a bad name. These are the designers who are willing to sell their self dignity & soul to suck up to their clients or “higher power” for MONEY.

After 4 years of freelancing I’m going to finally say I’m fed up. I’m not taking on any client work that will make me hate designing. I rather be my own boss, and since I’ve found a niche that allows me to do that (designing blog designs ) I’m ditching a lot of client work, the only client work I’m accepting are from the clients I enjoy working (because they respect me and my design directions). It’s a shame, all of that work thrown away but I’m not going to go through the crap that comes along with freelancing.

I’ve just booked my flight to Winnipeg. So it’s official: I’ll be in Winnipeg on the 20th of May!

I miss a lot of things about Winnipeg: breathing in the fresh clean air; Roaming around mindlessly around River Heights, Wolsley, Downtown and the West End; Strolling around empty streets with music on; The surroundings of grass and trees; Walking across the bridge over the calm river; JUST relaxing around with friends and laughing; Hanging out at The Forks; Walking around the West End with old friends and absorbing good old memories and so much more. I feel so home sick.

Winnipeg is the one and only city that will ever make me feel like home. Ever since I moved to Toronto, it’s always felt like a vacation there, I never felt that warm feeling inside of me that made me feel settled. I don’t think it’s the city itself that makes me feel it (though it is a factor) but it’s most likely all of the memories I have walking around area to area. There are stories that I could tell, memories that I could remember: the best part is sharing those memories with old friends that experienced it with you!

Winnipeg, to most: bland, boring, small, nothing-to-do, flat prairie city… But…

The simple things in life that can only be enjoyed in Winnipeg are priceless.

Maryland Bridge

I finally got the email for my OCAD admission

It was a bit surprising (but not really.. in a way) because I haven’t really done art since I was a child (WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?) and I’ve never taken it in high school either. However, I did get re-inspired last spring which lead me to exploring it which then lead to my decision to switch to OCAD. They accepted me (on the spot after the interview) with my first sketchbook ever I worked insanely for 2 months on it and it was sure worth it!!

OCAD will definitely be a different experience from the University of Toronto (sciences), which I took last year. I can’t wait to start taking first year there (exploring art & design). It’s going to be much funner than sciences: no more labs and “excessive” studying!